Tag: relationships

Being Strong is Tiring

lbryce

It is almost 3 years to the hour that my life took a unexpected turn, very unexpected. I was hit so hard with hurt that I honestly did not think I would survive it. The emotional and physiological tolls were at times unbearable.

This journey has and continues to teach me a lot. I have learned the importance of surrendering to the feelings, allowing myself to feel, to grieve and not suppress what I am feeling. The suppressing just results in other set backs. I have learned that it’s better to cry than not. It’s okay to be angry, to be hurt, to be sad. It’s okay. I have learned to give myself permission to feel the feelings knowing that there is an obligation to then keep moving forward.

I have learned that I can’t do this alone. Friends, family, a really good counselor are very important and necessary factors to healing from personal trauma. I am very fortunate to have all three in my life.

Self-care is not selfish. This has taken awhile to really sink in. I have learned that in order to really have true empathy and compassion for others, I need to be more empathetic and compassionate toward myself. I can see now not doing so contributed to the situation I ended up in. Something I heard at a professional learning session last year has stuck with me. I can’t remember who said it, but they were emphatic that we have a moral obligation to take care of ourselves in order to be any good to anyone else. A big lesson I have learned is that I have spent years doing the opposite. It’s hard not to as an educator, educational leader and as someone who was reared to be caring and compassionate toward others. I am now giving myself permission for as much self-care as I need.

One of the biggest lessons learned has been recent. I have spent the last three years determined to get through my trauma while still facing everyday life and its challenges. Being strong really is exhausting.

As I move into a new year, I will be mindful of the fatigue, perhaps adjust the self-care plan to find more balance. Maybe I don’t have to work so hard at being strong anymore. Maybe I am healing after all. That would be awesome.

Be With

lbryce

The title I will admit I borrowed from a tiny, but powerful book my sister gave me this past Christmas. Be With by Mike Barnes talks about a son’s journey as his mother’s caregiver who just happens to face the challenges of Alzheimer’s.

Last year our mother had a medical scare and was hospitalized for 3 months. At one point, she went into heart failure. She rebounded, thankfully. Since then, her recovery and care have been a priority for her family, particularly her six adult children. It hasn’t been easy, balancing work, families as well as the daily challenges life can throw at a person. Care giving can feel, as Barnes eludes to, like “another thing to do.”

What the book taught me was the importance of just “being with” others – being present, connected, free of distracting thoughts, distracting things. We can get caught up in the tasks that need to get done, be done and easily forget the actual person we are with.

I think this applies to life in general. It is so easy to get caught up in meeting the many demands of daily life and the many societal distractions that we miss, or perhaps dismiss, the many opportunities for deep, personal connections with others.

In education, it is well known that relationships are key for all stakeholders: students, parents, staff, colleagues. The strongest relationships are a result of deep connection and feelings of attachment.

As an educational leader, it is my job to foster these relationships first and foremost. I truly believe the learning at all levels in education, with all stakeholders does not occur without meaningful relationships.

There is a line in the book, “I learned to be with the hard way, from the hardest teacher, not being with.”

I am striving to really be with my mom when we are together -be present, hear her voice, appreciate what she brings to our relationship, value the precious time we have together. Our family is so fortunate she rebounded from her health scare. She’s 82. Every minute of every day is precious.

At work and in life I now strive to do the same. I want students, staff and parents to know I care, that I am invested in them as people. I am focusing on being present with each person I come in contact with. I extend this to my personal relationships outside of work as well. I even extend this to myself. I need to also be with myself.

I saw a quote on a church sign the other day while driving home. It said, “We are our best when we serve others.” I want to serve others. I want to serve them meaningfully. I want to also serve myself. I can do this by being with.